Alone or Lonely?
(To see the earlier Blogs, Page Down)
Father Carlos’s suggestion did prompt me to think about who the lonely might be in my new town. Would it be Wayne, my street friend? Buddy and I used to take him breakfast on the bench downtown, and we’d talk about things like what boats are in the harbor, the men watering the street flowers, rain, drought, things like that. I’ve given him packs of tissues to clean his glasses, cookies, and a sweater, apples, or coffee from the coffee house. But, I haven’t invited him to dinner yet. Would it be the wild woman who walks down the center of our street arguing with herself in two voices? I tried to talk to her while we were walking along, but she was involved in the conversation with herself, she didn’t bother with me, and she’s terrified of dogs. I’ve seen her a few times in church sitting in the back talking to herself throughout Mass. I could have handed her a written note to come to dinner; but I didn’t. Will it be the lovely employee of our local nursery who told me she’d lost her husband last year and she took the job at the nursery to force herself out of the house. She’s very young to be a widow. She says she’s made so many nice friends while learning the plant industry, she’s grateful and happy for the job. Maybe it will be the beautiful older docent on the trolley whose husband is very ill. She isn’t on the trolley now, she sits alone at his bedside. Perhaps I can carry her dinner to the hospital?
There are so many kinds of lonely, and many kinds of aloneness, aren’t there? I submit to you that not everyone who is alone is lonely. Being alone does not make one lonely. Some people who are not alone may, in fact, be among the loneliest! How? Well, first of all, being alone might be a choice. Writers, painters, and others who enjoy their own company, might welcome being alone as a time of creativity. Contemplative individuals pray and grow alone. Busy moms like a breather! Perhaps people who live in the hustle and bustle dog-eat-dog world of business, appreciate some down town, away from the maddening crowd. They might choose to be alone. Others are alone by unfortunate circumstance.
On the other hand, I’ve been in a room with six other people and felt quite alone. I was the only one in the room without busy thumbs and the only one of seven adults not staring at a palmed cell phone. Occasionally one would chuckle at something, then immediately begin a response to a virtual someone. After about 15 minutes of not being noticed, I left the room, feeling quite lonely. I thought back to high school and how it felt to be left out in a crowd of self-involved teens. It must be 100 times worse these days, to be left out of emails, unfriended, and caught in someone’s twitter feed, at such a delicate, uncertain time in life. I thought of all the memes I see on Face book reminding followers to look after those who are alone for the holidays.
It’s true that loneliness abounds these days, suicide rates are up, teens have lost their spiritual guideposts and are in greater lonely angst than ever. But those who need our attention the most aren’t always the easiest to recognize. The lonely aren’t always alone. Those who are alone, aren’t always lonely. It’s time to put away those hand held devices and look up into the eyes of those nearest you. Invite them to dinner; talk to them over dinner. Ask them a question, listen to their answer. These are real humans, not virtual pocket pals. Speak with them. Put your cell in your pocket. You might discover it is you who is really the lonely one.